I’ll tell you a tale of young Blatherwick, 
He was the most generous of men,
Except when it came down to money,
A bit of a tight-arse was Gren.

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When he was travelling with Proctor,
He’d argue for hours "who's round",
And sometimes they'd argue for such a long time,
The dreaded "last orders" would sound.

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I remember on one occasion,
He’d a scheme to save him some dosh,
He’d be better off by seven and six,
By giving the windows a wash.

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Don winter had plenty of ladders,
He said to Gren "be my guest",
With a shammy and suds in a bucket,
Blatherwick gave it his best.

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Downstairs it wasn't a problem,
He’d soon sluiced off all the grime,
Then propping the ladder up against wall,
Blatherwick started to climb.

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He washed and he scrubbed, he cleaned and he rubbed,
Gren was feeling quite chuffed,
But no one was footing the ladder,
Health and safety could go and get stuffed.

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Grenville had almost finished,
The time it was ten forty two,
When the ladder being a bit wobbly it slipped,
And broke the small window in 'loo.

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"F....orget it" cried Gren in a temper,
Glassworks don't close until one,
"i'll get me a bit and replace it,
And no-one will know what I’ve done."

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He nipped up the ladder with measure,
Did he brace it? Indeed he did,
Eighteen and a half by seven and sixteenth,
It shouldn't cost more than a quid.

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He rushed to the glassworks and got some,
He put it in car in the back,
Despite the fact he'd a blanket,
It landed on jack... with a crack.

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Undaunted he returned to the counter,
And ordered the same size again,
The glazier advised him "to take much more care”,
And offered a replacement pane.

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Returning back home at a nice steady pace,
As sensible people would do,
He went up the ladder and offered it up,
Sadly….the pane fell straight through.

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He cleared up the mess in the toilet,
And chiselled out putty from frame,
He measured with care, cos he was aware,
He must go to the glassworks again.

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The glazier appeared at the counter,
And carefully cut the new size,
Repressing the urge for a snigger,
After wiping the tears from his eyes.

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He said" you'll need some putty?
I’ll sell you enough, just about,
And if you put it in properly,
It’ll stop the glass falling out."

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Blatherwick put in the putty,
And pressed the glass into place,
Then he decided to put in some tacks,
To make it secure, just in case.

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He wished that he hadn't bothered,
For as he put in the last tack,
On the last hit, the window it split,
To the glazier he made his way back.

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The glazier greeted him like an old friend,
And couldn't conceal mirthful tears,
Replaced the glass at no charge and he said,
"It’s my best sat'day morning for years."

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So, what did it cost to save seven and six?
At least a fiver I’d guess,
With petrol, glass and putty,
And time spent to clear up the mess.

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So what are my memories of Grenville?
A man of distinction and class,
To put it all in a nutshell,
He was just a pane in the glass!

 

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Lloyd Winston Watkins. Alias ‘Wocko’ .  2018
 

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